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Ways to confuse Santa
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.When he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
Christmas ideas to torture your room-mate
Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and trash on the floor.
Go to the mall with your room-mate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.
Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your room-mate enters or leaves the room, grab them quickly and give them a big snog.
Hang a stocking with your room-mates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")
Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow. When your room-mate tells you to grow up, pull hem down to the snow and insist they act like a drunk Rudolph too.
Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my room-mate's two front teeth..."
Give your room-mate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
Build a snowperson with your room-mate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"
Whip your room-mate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc."
Tear down all your room-mate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"
Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!"
Tell your room-mate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.
Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your room-mate's friends "give it a yank."
Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."
Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear.
Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
Watch your room-mate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."
Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your room-mate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."
When your room-mate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.
Sing 99 bottles of beer on the Wall in Yiddish
Tell them how much you admire their shoes. Ask them if they are made of wool. Remark how much you love wool and what a versatile fabric it is. Move on to their pants. Ask if *they* are wool. Do this for every item of clothing they have on. Talk about wool a LOT.
Ask them what their name is. When they answer, say "Wow! That's my name, too!" Five minutes later, ask them what their name is again. Say "OH YEAH...that's right!" Do this every five minutes for the rest of the trip.
Tell them what beautiful eyes they have. Ask "Are they real?"
Ask them where their yellow hat is. Tell them that the last person you sat next to was wearing a yellow hat. Demand to know what happened to the hat. Make a sketch of the hat "for police records". Ask if they happen to have a yellow crayon you could borrow.
When they are quiet say "I'm sorry...were you talking to me?" Ignore them when they try to speak to you.
Ask permission for everything you do, like, "Mind if I uncross my legs?" and "I was thinking of stretching my arm...is that okay with you?"
Annotate the bus trip as if you were an announcer at a sports event: "And we're here at the Bonanza bus station, April fourth, 1995, a beautiful spring morning...and we're all ready to go. Phil is getting himself situated; that's Phil the bus driver, who by the way, was looking pretty good this morning when I saw him practicing with the gas and brake pedals, so lets just hope that he can have a repeat performance, and I think we can all agree that would be just *super*. Okay, they've given the all clear, and ...THEY'RE OFF!!! It's Phil in the front but here comes a Volkswagen Rabbit not far behind in the left lane, Phil's picking up speed. Don't forget that yield at the corner Philly..."
9. Put together five piece children's puzzles. When you get to the last piece sit and stare at the puzzle for ten minutes, then get upset and yell out "DAMNIT! I can NEVER get these things!" Throw all the pieces to the floor and sulk in the seat for a few minutes. Eye the puzzle slowly, and mumble "Damn Mensa groups and their impossible games!"
Start up rounds of "Dirty Boulevard" or "In-a-gadda-vida"
Before the bus starts off, pass out questionnaires to everyone on the bus asking them to describe in 200 words or less why they are worthy to sit next to you. Hold a drawing for "one lucky winner and a companion"
Speak in 1950's sitcom-eese. Use words like "Kooky", "Wacky", and "Keen". Call the person "Pally" and "Chum". Ask him or her if they "enjoy rock and roll music...that is what the kids are listening to now a days, isn't it?"
Place bets on events that have already taken place. Say things like "I'll lay two to one odds that the South wins this Civil War thing."
Whenever you pass another bus, act amazed and say "How can I be in there...when I'm in here???"
Ask if they have a stick of
butter you could borrow. When they answer, sigh and say, "Never mind, it's
too late now anyway!"
When first sitting down, sink into the seat, breath a heavy sigh and exclaim "Ahhhh....it's good to be home!" Take out a remote control and pretend to change channels. Say that the batteries must be dead. Fall asleep and snore loudly. Wake up and say "Hey! I was watching that!"
Take out a pack of gum and say "Boy, my ears are popping already!" Talk about how the people *really do* look like ants from way up here. Wonder out loud where the stewardess is.
Pretend that you are driving the bus, and call out all the stops. Make honking noises. Complain about how bad the brakes are.
Talk about how excited you are to be on a bus. Sing songs with the word 'bus' in the lyrics, "Bus, bus, magic bus..." while wiggling around in the seat. Squeal a lot. Take pictures.
Act like a late night talk show host. Interview the person sitting next to you. Say things like "Do we have a clip of that?" and "We'll be right back after these commercials."
Spray the seat with Lysol before you sit down. Place a hanky on the armrest separating the two seats. Sit as far away from the person as possible. Ask if they happen to have an immunization record handy. Offer to let them see yours.
Let go of a clothespin hard on your finger. Scream in pain and say "WOW! Now I know never to do *that* again!" Do it again.
Overstate the obvious. "Woah, woah, we're moving now...here we go. We're on a bus, you know. We're on the street, I think, no, we're definitely on a street. Hey everybody...we're driving on a bus! Weeee! Here we go.."
Ask if they sell Amway. Act disappointed when they say no. Say how much you were REALLY looking forward to sitting next to someone who sold Amway. Ask if they could just *pretend* for a little while.
Fondle a plastic knife while singing "The End" under your breath. Make small stabbing motions into the air in front of you. In a monotone voice say "Ironic that it would end THIS way..." and smile vaguely. Speak very loudly when you get to the part about the bus.
Clutch a metal thermos close to your chest. Fondle it gently and speak to it saying, "It's all right my pet, we'll be there soon enough.." Take the top off and drink from it carefully. Replace the cap and massage it softly, whispering, "Thank you my darling...thank you."
Ask them which way they place the toilet paper on the roll. When they answer, eye them suspiciously, get up, and switch seats. Come back five minutes later and say that despite your personal differences you should still be able to sit next to each other in peace. Offer to kiss and make up.
Remark, "Isn't it ironic how the very people that you kill are the very same people that you need to come to pick you up when you're finally set free?"
Offer to share everything with them. If you apply cap stick or file your nails, ask excitedly, "Want some?" When they say no, act hurt, shrug your shoulders, and say "Just thought I'd ask..."
Brag about every day events like, "I washed my hair this morning...all by myself! Then I used a towel to dry it. Did you ever wash YOUR hair all by yourself? Do YOU use a towel?"
Ask them if they think it's normal to still have an umbilical cord at 32.
Speak only in quotes from Carpenters songs.
Narrate your entire trip. "She walked over to the seat, and, eyeing him strangely, decided that this looked like as good a place as any to spend the lengthy drive from 9th to 22nd street. 'Hello' she said, but the strange man did not answer, at least, not right away..."
Hang a fishing pole out the window. Tug on the line a few times and wonder out loud why you can never seem to catch any fish. Decide that it was because you are using the wrong kind of bait, pack your stuff and say "Tomorrow I'll come prepared"
Treat the person next to you like a baby. Say in a funny voice "Are you having fun? Ooh...do you want a rattle? He wants his silly rattle, yes he does, yes he does..."
Ask them if they watch QVC. Tell them that you just happened to have taped a particularly good episode about Cubic Zirconia's. Ask if they would like to borrow it. Demand that they tell you their address so you can mail it to them.
Ask them if they would like some ice cream. Reach into your pocket and feel around for a few seconds, then say, "Oh well, must have left it at home!" Clean your hand off for the next five minutes.
Picket the bus. Sit cross legged in the middle of the rows and chant about how public transportation is Nazi propaganda. Try to convince other patrons not to get on. Offer to trade in their tokens for toys.
Pretend to recite pi. Start off, "3.141592, 3, 4, 5, 6 ,78, 9, 10, 11,12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23,24,25,26,27,28,29,THIRTY...31,32, 33,34.
At the first possible opportunity get extremely excited at the primitive invention, like paper. Demand to know all about it, Say, "Wait till I tell the guys about this one!" Ask if you can take a little piece with you, "just for verification"
Things to do in a computer lab
Log on to your computer, read a few lines and then yell, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
"DISK FIGHT!!!"
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (i.e.. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard and taking it.
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does YOUR delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type..Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
Two words: Tesla Coil.
Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil dandruff spirits.
You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung with each passing day.
You laugh out loud during funerals.
When your doctor tells you to say ahh, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You scream "I've got a knife!" to anyone who tries to sell you something.
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala bear or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
You like reading lists like this.
Different ways of coping with stress
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once.
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.
Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
Go up to a random person on the street and tell them "He's here, and he knows where I am. You gotta help me."
Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Sneeze on it. Poo in it. Eat messy foods over it (spaghetti). Return it the next day.
Buy a subscription of "Sleezoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Tell your boss to "blow it out of your mule" and let him/her figure it out.
Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg.
Polish your car with ear wax.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to any other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: " SHUT UP, DAMMIT, ALL OF YOU, JUST SHUT UP".
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, swing side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there.".
Offer name tags to everyone entering the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When the elevator stops at your floor, grunt and strain to get the doors open, then look embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Noogie patrol coming."
Greet everyone who enters the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".
One word: Flatulence.
On the highest floor hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear your coin goes "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, before finally anouncing: "I've got new socks on."
When at least 8 people have boarded, groan from the back: "oh, not now, damn motion sickness!".
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Practice forms of Yoga.
Bet other passengers you can fit 1 Pound in your nose.
Frown and mumble "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops".
Show other people a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a Little Lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Simulate a drug deal.
Smash a stink bomb before you get off and push all the floor buttons.
Holler "chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Start talking aloud about the argument you had with your wife and ex-girlfriend.
Stare at one passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of them" and then retreat to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say, "mmmmm....Tasty".
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand, and ask other passengers to talk "through" it.
Start a sing-a-long.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?".
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "ding" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what these do" and push all the red buttons.
Listen to the walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor and announce to all the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger "want to see what's in my mouth?".
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice "I must find a more suitable host body".
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises whenever someone pushes a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think its getting larger".
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "bad touch".
Bonus: Read bible passages and randomly ask the other passengers some questions.
Things to do in a public toilet
Ask the person next to you if there is something swimming in their bowl.
Fake an orgasm.
Say very loudly; "Pooh...What the hell is that smell?".
Complement people around you about there shoes.
Make strenuous sounds.
Start a sing-a-long.
Start to sell scout cookies.
Start to tell random passengers about the negative points on Kidney Dialysis Machines.
Dress up in a novel rabbit suit and attach an artificial penis on. Then go to the toilets and start masturbating.
Using white chalk, draw a small box and stand inside it. Tell everyone it is your space.
Simulate a drug deal.
Start a very loud conversation with someone about the row you had with your girlfriend.
Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.
Scream very loudly; "What the hell is that brown thing?"
Pretend to fall in a make the appropriate sound effects.
Roll Easter-Eggs under the doors.
Act schizophrenically.
Ask people what they had for breakfast last Christmas.
Start reading passages from the Bible.
Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask them to describe what they had done.
Pretend to be a door-to-door salesman.
Ask loudly "When does the movie start?" Popcorn in hand.
Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.
Pour water over the stall door onto the busy occupant.
Say "Oops.... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.
At night, switch off the lights.
Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish? Where's the fish?"
Collect a door charge.
Bring a long a chair, an art pad, and a pencil. Then sit in the middle of the toilet and draw someone in action.
Get a professor/scientist outfit, a clipboard, a couple of friends to dress the same (preferably a mixture of sexes). Then kick the stall doors open and start to study the astonished victim.
Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.
Write essay questions on the toilet paper.
Offer refreshments.
Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.
Run in naked, yelling "Free Willy!"
Electrify metal urinals.
Get a couple of goldfish and place them discreetly in the bowls.
Make a jelly in the bowl.
Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.
Remove stall doors.
Glue the seat and cover down to bowl.
Place signs warning people of 24 hour CCTV surveillance.
Make stall doors lockable only from the outside.
Put itching powder on the toilet seats.
Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.
Leave a rubber duck in the bowl.
Replace soap in dispenser with custard. Or if you are really mean, why not consider replacing it with semen...
Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.
If you see a person that is really desperate to go when all the stalls are full and is trying not to show it, go up to him and keep shouting aloud remarks such as; "Come on, somebody's bound to come out in a sec..." or "Don't worry, (name of known suffering toilet-wanting-to-go victim), we'll get through this...)
Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons and/or vice versa.
In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof.
Bonus: Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette. Bring along a couple of friends to act as forensic scientists looking for evidence.
Do you have a funny joke? Why not send it to The PrankHouse.
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