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Ways to freak out your room-mate
(Please Note: Some of these pranks work best if you do not know your room-mate like someone in your family e.g. cousin, aunt etc.)
Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
Twitch a lot.
Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
Become a subgenius.
Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
Speak in tongues.
Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start slowly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Resovoir Dogs," "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
Collect all your urine in a small jug and always take it wherever you go.
Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Pretend you are god.
Insist that s/he acts like god too.
Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
Ask your roommate if your entire family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
Go on a grasshopper-killing spree and collect all the dead bodies in small jugs.
Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, get up, walk off and pretend nothing happened.
Eat glass.
Smoke ballpoint pens.
Smile. All the time. Try to smile even when you are severely injured.
Collect dog poo/throw up in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. Sometimes ask your room-mate what his/her opinions are.
Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. Why not shed the odd tear?
Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash can before you get hungry, demand that s/he becomes your slave for the next 3 months.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
Paint on the windows in occult patterns.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
Dye all your underwear fluorescent orange.
Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
Pray to Arazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
Shave one eyebrow.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
Put horseradish in your shoes.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
Always flush the toilet three times.
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
Give him/her an allowance.
Listen to radio static.
Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
Cry a lot.
Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
Follow him/her around on weekends and special outings (e.g. Weddings, Funerals etc.)
Sit on the floor and talk to the wall about the adventures you had in your past life when you were a Samurai warrior.
Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
Let mice loose in his/her room.
Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
Skip to the bathroom.
Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find them.
Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes then call whoever it was back.
Insist on writing the entire lyrics to "American Pie" on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
Use a bible as Kleenex tissue. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God Dammit.
Burn incense.
Eat moths (I suggest dead ones).
Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
Collect as many manuals as you can. Really annoying...
Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it.
Don't ever flush.
Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
Lick him/her while they are asleep.
Dress in drag.
Different ways of ordering a pizza
If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
Answer their questions with questions.
In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
Stutter on the letter "p."
Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up
Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
Change your accent every three seconds.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
Do it the normal way.
Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Company)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Company), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Imitate the order taker's voice.
Question the order-taker on topics such as genetic modification and why Satan isn't around us.
Eliminate verbs from your speech.
When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
Play a sitar in the background and speak in an Indian voice.
Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
Ask to see a menu. Or ask if they could e-mail you a special internet menu.
Quote Carl Sandberg.
Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
Talk like The Teletubbies.
Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
Psychoanalyze the order taker.
Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
Report a petty theft to the order taker.
Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
Try to talk while drinking something.
Start the conversation with "(Your name) Call to (Pizza Company), Take 1, and. . . action!"
Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Be vague in your order.
When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
After ordering, say "I wonder what this button on the phone does." Simulate a cut off.
Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
When the order-taker answers the phone, quickly pretend that you have cut-off by simulating the sound.
Say "Ksssssssssssssst" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
Ask if they would like to sample your home-made pizza. Suggest an even trade.
Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
Put them on hold.
Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
When the order-taker picks up, wait for the normal 'company intro' e.g. "Pizza Express, John speaking, how can I help?" and then acting really puzzled say; "Oh, this isn't "Hot 1-2-1 live chat, then..."
Ask the order-taker if s/he has any contacts for any hot sex phone numbers.
When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
Haggle.
Get a friend to simulate with you a argument. Preferably get a female to be the wife...
Order a one-inch pizza.
Order term life insurance.
When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that "Stuffed-Crust, Double Hawaiin Mega Deal 1 pizza.
While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
Engage in some serious swapping.
Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
Order a steamed pizza.
Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
Offer to pay for the pizza with a public demonstration of your pubic regions. Add that s/he can come and watch for free and s/he can bring along a guest.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
Things to say to a police officer
(beware, only say these if you want to get arrested!)
And that prostitute I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a real nice guy.
Hey, you must've been doing about 140 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
That uniform makes your butt look really big.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Your not going to check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "The Bill" by that 4 year old kid?
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand...
When you smack the crap out a me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious.
Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B' and so on through the alphabet.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
Try to raise one eyebrow. Then try to raise the other.
Crack your knuckles.
Make fart noises using your armpit and your palm.
Twiddle your thumbs.
Twiddle your neighbour's thumbs.
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
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